Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Holding Onto the Known Until I Trust the Unknown

There are just things in life you will never know for sure. You just have to trust that they are true. When dealing with Infidelity, I think this is just another difficult factor in a broken relationship to repair.

What I know is true:

  • I know that my husband did not leave me for the affair girl.
  • My husband has changed a lot of his ways.
  • My husband has started counseling.
  • He has started taking medication and has continued for the last four months.
  • He has showed me much more attention as well as the kids.
  • Is still here after all the ugly things I have said to him. 
What I have to learn to trust:
  • That when he says that he loves me that it is true.
  • That he won't ever cheat on me again.
  • That he doesn't long for his slut. 
  • That he has no communication with her.
  • That he won't change his new ways and revert back to inattentive and lazy husband.
  • That he isn't lying to me anymore.
  • That he won't ever betray me again (cheating and otherwise). 
While the things that I have to learn to trust in are some of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, at least I can begin to grasp what I know I have and what I have to strive for. 

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Her Words to Me by My Cheating Husband

He did it again. He really needs to read the emails he sent to his slut and the ones she sent him because frankly, I'm sick of hearing him either repeat the same things he said to her to me or saying things she said to him to me.

Last night, we were having a really great phone conversation, until he completely ruined it by saying, "It will be like an early Christmas when I get home!". WOW....Those are the exact words she wrote to him in an email when she was getting ready to come meet with him here.

I know he can't possibly remember everything he has said to her and she has said to him and I am hypervigilant about stuff right now, but really, that phrase must have stuck in his mind library for him to repeat it exactly how she wrote it. It must have excited him or sparked some sort of positive reaction to make it stick the way it did. Well, of course it did, she was his "love" at the time.

It makes wonder how many other things he says to me that they shared. After 11 years of being with him, it really sucks that he is a product of this relationship, when the only relationship he should of had was with me. It's one thing if we weren't together and he took things from relationships he had before "my time" but this was during "my time" and I feel so cheated.

Yesterday at the gym, I heard this song and it describes how I feel right now:

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Support Through an Infidelity Message Board

I decided to see how much help I can get through an infidelity message board. Talk About Marriage seems like a great forum with a lot of support given to all sides of infidelity. This is what I wrote in my post:

This community has such wonderful support for all people involved with infidelity that I wanted to jump in and ask for some help.

Because of my husband's infidelity, I am now dealing with every symptom of post traumatic stress disorder. I am almost four months out of D-Day and we are working on our marriage. However, my emotions and thoughts are so out of control that I don't know which way is up or down sometimes. One minute I don't want to be in this marriage (with someone who did the unthinkable) and the next minute I love him and am so glad I didn't leave him. This can happen multiple times a day. I feel insane sometimes!

When I say that I have all the symptoms of PTSD, I mean I also see things, which I call visions. I will see her walking with him, hugging on him and even have sex with him. It's so crazy.

I've started getting physically sick over it all and my feelings have started to feel raw again without anything new happening. It's like I just keep reliving it and becoming beaten down with it repeatedly. When I first found out, I talked to my counselor about how I feel like I am only able to experience a little of what happened because my body would shut down and refuse to face anymore of it. Well, now it seems as though I have an internal war of wanting to deal with it but at the same time trying to push it down.

I have a lot of rage, and a lot of sadness, I have nightmares and can't concentrate on things unrelated to the affair at times. I have so many triggers, it's ridiculous (thanks to the thousands of emails I found between them).

My counselor I have had since D-Day hasn't been much help in this area, she has been mostly a sound board. I am supposed to see a new one on the 9th...but I fear she will be just as effective.

I feel like I am drowning....

I'll write about some responses and my reactions to them as I get them. If you need help with infidelity, check them out!

Infidelity: It's Genetics

I knew it! Genetics does play a part in infidelity. When I found out my husband cheated on me I wondered if it may be something in his DNA. His father cheated multiple times on his wives (yes, wives) and his grandad (who he refers to his real dad because he raised him) cheated on his grandmother multiple times.

It's no excuse for cheating though. We are all predisposed for something. That doesn't mean we do it or get whatever it is. It means we look out for signs and deal with those signs. Granted he didn't know he should have been aware because up until now he didn't even know that his grandad did what he did. However, you don't just do whatever feels good because it's not always good, as we know in infinity.

If someone can't control their urges, then professional help is in order. Genetics aren't the end all in anything...fight through DNA and fight hard. Infidelity isn't cancer (something you can't always control), cheating is an action, one that you can keep yourself from doing. Hey, even if you have to tie yourself up in a straight jacket.

Support After Catching Cheating Husband

Photographer: renjith krishnan
The one thing I learned about what to do after catching a cheating husband is to be careful who you look to for support. While you may want to tell everyone what happened to get as much support as possible, it's important to realize that not everyone is going to share the same feelings and thoughts as you. Furthermore,  you shouldn't let other people's opninions of what you should and should not do sway what you decide to do from that point forward.

When I caught my cheating husband, I was frantic even though I knew something was up. I called my family, his family, and all friends I could get through to. I even made a post on facebook that didn't exactly say that I caught him cheating but it talked about finding out some horrible news, which made many of my friends wonder and contact me, which I then told.

The problem is that after the hurricane past and I was left with the decision of what to do. Many of my friends were not supportive of my decision. I found myself starting to step back from friends I knew would shake their head and think  I was crazy to stay with my husband after he did such a horrible thing. I had to follow what my heart was telling me and try to work things out. It was what I felt was right for me and my kids.

Three months in, I am still avoiding a lot of people and they don't know what is going on with me. They know I am going through a hard time in my life but they don't know what I am doing. I would rather stay away from people who will ridicule me until I am strong enough to defend myself. I also need to make sure that my marriage will outlast infidelity before I try to rule out their "buts" and "what ifs".

The lesson for today is beware of who you turn to for support and do what you feel is right no matter how wrong or right people may think you are...after all, you have to live your life...not them.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Cheating Revenge: Announce It with a Flyer

This is absolutely great! I'm going to imagine that the person who did this lived in a community that is close knit (you know, everyone knows your name) because it would be better that way.


In case you can't make out the last part since it's a little fuzzy, it says, "So when you see David, be sure to thank him for ruining my marriage! Good job Davey Boy!"  LOL

Can't Escape the Affair No Matter What I Do

I can't win. While at the gym, I started to listen to Pandora on my phone because the TV keeps playing the hotel advertisement where I found out about my husband's affair (which I wrote about before). Well, I am not even safe with Pandora.

I decided to try something a little different today to get myself motivated. I started listening to my techno station. All of a sudden, I looked at my phone and saw something that I had seen before. It was the name of a singer that I saw in an email to my husband from his crazy girlfriend. I immediately said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" I must have looked really sane talking to myself on the elliptical while frantically grabbing my phone all the while still moving away.

I started to listen to the words and they were like sharp knives in my heart. All about how it would be a miracle if she could be his if he would just let him be his girl, she would show him that they were meant to be...blah blah blah. YUCK...BLAH...YAK.
I texted my husband and immediately asked if the singer's name meant anything to him. At first he denied it but then confessed that it was some YouTube that she sent him once. Riiiiight.... that lead me to a downward spiral. Talk about a trigger! The song basically begged the person to leave his wife so he could be with her.....EEERRRR....

While he didn't actually leave me, it still really bothers me that their relationship really went that way. And why is that she really didn't think she already had him? I mean they were CONSTANTLY emailing each other how much they loved each other, how much they couldn't wait to see each other, how they wanted each other so bad....ugh... and they had sex. So um, if that's not a relationship, I have no clue what is...

Anyway, pretty soon, I won't be able to leave the house without having a trigger slap me in the face. Did someone put a curse on me so that I would suffer as much as possible? What did I do to deserve this pain? What's so unfair in all this is that I didn't do anything....absolutely nothing.